Originally posted on April 14th, 2017 on Her Campus UCF.
People think of you as heartless. Friends don’t reach out to you for help due to your lack of empathy. You build up a shield, hiding from those around you, pretending nothing affects you. You label yourself as emotionless to ease the pain of others calling you it behind your back. You appear to not have feelings, but deep down inside, everything hurts.
As emo as that sounds, I am a generally positive person. I live an amazing life and look for the good in everything that happens to me. That being said, I’ve never been the best at expressing my emotions, good or bad, to those around me. No matter how excited I am about something, I will mostly likely have a straight face. My insides could be jumping for joy, but to any passerby, it looks like just another bland moment in a day to day setting.
Same goes with sorrow. Sad things happen all the time, but the phrase “I don’t cry”, has slipped through my lips one to many times. My friends and family around me have taken note and have passed me off as unappreciative, apathetic, and passive, when in reality I am the complete opposite.
When around people, I pass off emotions as unimportant and stay strong, no matter the situation. Yet this has given me a bad rep. Being labeled as emotionless is fun and games until people start to hurt you because they believe you don’t care anyway and it won’t affect you.
Well it does.
I am both emotionless and full of emotions, and I can flip the switch easily. When people are around, I put on this mask that hides everything deep down inside. Happy or sad. Exciting or upsetting. Surprising or demeaning. Nothing passes through that mask. It appears that nothing affects me. Yet everything does.
Every little thing that someone says or does affects me. So many positive and negative things occur every day, and when it appears that I’m not acknowledging them, I am deep deep down inside. The second I’m alone, I let it all out. I jump for joy over the compliment I received. I cry into my pillow over the rejection I face. I curse out my window to those who wronged me. I express more emotion than anyone could picture.
As soon as I’m alone, I am no longer the passive, straight faced robot that I appear to be. I let loose and let my emotions run. I even get emotional about my emotions. I’m your typical hormonal teenage mess, and I’m proud to admit it.
I’m still going to hide behind the mask of no emotions for a while, because right now it’s a safety net. It protects me from the harsh reality of judgement and fear. I wish I could shed it. I’m tired of being viewed as the girl who doesn’t care about anything, because I care more than the average bear. But for now, it remains. Keeping me closed off. Keeping my emotions in, until I’m ready to release them to the world.