Diaries of an Emotionless Robot

Originally posted on April 14th, 2017 on Her Campus UCF.

People think of you as heartless. Friends don’t reach out to you for help due to your lack of empathy. You build up a shield, hiding from those around you, pretending nothing affects you. You label yourself as emotionless to ease the pain of others calling you it behind your back. You appear to not have feelings, but deep down inside, everything hurts.

As emo as that sounds, I am a generally positive person. I live an amazing life and look for the good in everything that happens to me. That being said, I’ve never been the best at expressing my emotions, good or bad, to those around me. No matter how excited I am about something, I will mostly likely have a straight face. My insides could be jumping for joy, but to any passerby, it looks like just another bland moment in a day to day setting.

Same goes with sorrow. Sad things happen all the time, but the phrase “I don’t cry”, has slipped through my lips one to many times. My friends and family around me have taken note and have passed me off as unappreciative, apathetic, and passive, when in reality I am the complete opposite.

When around people, I pass off emotions as unimportant and stay strong, no matter the situation. Yet this has given me a bad rep. Being labeled as emotionless is fun and games until people start to hurt you because they believe you don’t care anyway and it won’t affect you.

Well it does.

I am both emotionless and full of emotions, and I can flip the switch easily. When people are around, I put on this mask that hides everything deep down inside. Happy or sad. Exciting or upsetting. Surprising or demeaning. Nothing passes through that mask. It appears that nothing affects me. Yet everything does.

Every little thing that someone says or does affects me. So many positive and negative things occur every day, and when it appears that I’m not acknowledging them, I am deep deep down inside. The second I’m alone, I let it all out. I jump for joy over the compliment I received. I cry into my pillow over the rejection I face. I curse out my window to those who wronged me. I express more emotion than anyone could picture.

As soon as I’m alone, I am no longer the passive, straight faced robot that I appear to be. I let loose and let my emotions run. I even get emotional about my emotions. I’m your typical hormonal teenage mess, and I’m proud to admit it.

I’m still going to hide behind the mask of no emotions for a while, because right now it’s a safety net. It protects me from the harsh reality of judgement and fear. I wish I could shed it. I’m tired of being viewed as the girl who doesn’t care about anything, because I care more than the average bear. But for now, it remains. Keeping me closed off. Keeping my emotions in, until I’m ready to release them to the world.

xoxo,

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Meeting Your Childhood Crush

Originally posted on April 10th, 2017 on Her Campus UCF.

The Jonas Brothers are playing on the radio. You’re on a three-way call with your besties obsessing over how your future husbands are going to dress in your wedding. You then walk over to your wall covered in tear out posters from Popstar and J-14 as you give said future husband a kiss on the cheek before falling into another daydream about actually meeting your celeb crushes in person.

Waking up eight years later, it’s finally the day you make your ten-year-old self proud. Overwhelmed with adrenaline and excitement, it’s the moment you’ve been waiting your whole life for. The day you finally meet your first celebrity crush.

Last week, I died and went to heaven as I met the man of my tween dreams, Joe Jonas. Yes, the Joe Jonas. Singer, actor, teen heartthrob, and former star of my daydreams. It was an out of body experience, the moment I found out that I would be meeting the members of DNCE. I couldn’t tell you the names of anyone else in the band because I was goo-goo eyed for Joe. He was my Jonas and he was REAL.

Our interaction was brief, but like I said, it killed me. It amazes me how we as humans put other humans on pedestals and worship their every move, but I’m not going to complain about being in the presence of a king.

I could barely contain my excitement, and I still an unable to comprehend the fact that it happened. Sure he might not be the most relevant person in my life now, but there was a time where everything I did revolved around the Jonas Brothers. The fact that I was lucky enough to meet one of them now makes me wish that I could have invited my 2009 self to come join in on the fun.

It meant a lot to me that I could meet such an amazing figure from my childhood. Someone I looked up to. Someone I idolized. Someone with such a huge name in our generation. It’s crazy how after years of not worrying about someone who made such an impact in my life, they can instantly be shot back into it and all the amazing memories followed.

Again, although our interaction was brief, it was monumental, and I only wish my ten-year-old self could have been there to experience it.

xoxo,

Fear of Returning Home for the Summer

Originally posted on April 4th, 2017 on Her Campus UCF.

I took a leap of faith this past year. I leaped nearly a thousand miles across the country and lived on my own for the first time. I leaped out of my comfort zone and into a sea of future oriented goals. I leaped into my future and away from my childhood. And I’ve kept on leaping ever since.

Living on your own is an incredible step that most kids our age choose to make. It involves being a decision maker, a planner, and organizer, and a doer in order to be successful. And most of the time, it makes for a successful lifestyle change.

College kids get to experience this freedom in short cycles in order to ease their way into their grown up life. August to December, January to May, and repeat. If you’re anything like me, those eight months are not enough to fuel your ambition to grow up. To me, they act as a tease at my future, only to be reset over winter break and summer.

This past winter break, I headed home for a month falling into the same old grind that I was used to in high school. I had to check in with my parents, eat meals during “normal” times, and spend hours in my room aimlessly surfing the internet. Winter break put me into a slump in which I no long had the opportunity to go out and experience everything I could at college. I wasn’t able to just show up at a friends place at four am to eat cookie dough, then leave. I wasn’t able to walk around campus and run into people when I got bored. I didn’t have the freedom to make whatever decision I please and not worry about checking in with my parents.

Winter break gave me a new perspective of my hometown and how fortunate we are to live steps away from our friends in college. The boredom I experienced over break was grueling, and I had to face a month of it in the arctic tundra of western Pennsylvannia.

And now as I flip my calendar over to April, the end of the semester is in sight. Everyone around me is counting down the days until they are free of responsibilities, but I’m dreading moving out and away from my freshman year memories. My dorm room, my friends, and my new home are all things that are going to quickly be swiped from me sooner than I know it. All I can think about is my winter break slump and how I’m about to experience it yet again, this time for three times as long.

Yet I know going into it with a negative attitude only makes things worse, so I have a month to plaster a smile on my face and get excited to go home. The warm weather will bring out the best in me and the memories i have to share with my high school friends will be priceless. As nervous as I am to go home, I know it might be my last time for a while so I must view it as a treat. It’s okay to be scared every once and a while, and my biggest fear is that of boredom. It’s time to close my eyes and leap state by state to the place I grew up. It’s time to leap into positive midset. I must leap into my original home sweet home.

xoxo,

Professional Packer, At Your Service

I feel like I have spent the past year packing, and it has become one of my least favorite past times. This time last year, I had to pack up my whole life to get it ready to ship down to Florida. As soon as I had everything unpacked and situated, I was repacking to come home this fall. Rinse and repeat for winter break, and again for spring break and summer. At this point, I should just live out of a suitcase for simplicity sake. And here we are again, getting ready to head back down to Florida, and my bedroom has turned into a collection unit for piles and piles of objects getting ready to find their new home.

Actually, I’d be lying if I said I was already prepping for my upcoming move. Honestly, my room’s just a mess, but that’s the perfect excuse for the chaotic state that it’s in right now. Yet as I approach my sixth packing adventure of the year, it might be easy to assume that I’m a pro by now. I wish it were that easy.

This time around, packing is a little bit harder. Although a majority of my belongings are already in Orlando, I need to fit everything I need in two checked bags and a carry on. What is everything? Beats me. That’s the hard part. I have zero clue as to when I’ll be home next, so wrapping my head around the items I might need for the next year or so is stressing me out. Oh, and I leave in 24 days.

Here’s to figuring it all out, and PRAYING that my suitcases don’t exceed the 50 lb weight limit. Fingers crossed!

Living Spontaneously

Originally posted on March 24th, 2017 on Her Campus UCF.

I’m a huge proponent of planning every detail of a day, week, trip, or lifetime. With planning, comes great responsibility, yet it’s an activity that calms my nerves and gets me excited and organized for what’s to come. It gives me time to look ahead and see what resources I need and I what I will have to accomplish in order to achieve said goal. Yet recently, I have been exposed to the complete opposite, which happens to be spontaneity.

The fear of the unknown has always held me back from doing things “for the hell” of it, yet starting about six months ago, I decided, to heck with it, and began living in a new way. Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t through my organization out the window, I just reevaluated and opened myself up to new adventures.

These spur of the moment decisions I have been making have been some of the most exciting and memorable ones to date. I’ve been able to live life in a new way and makes so many new friends throughout the process. I have been able to set up last minute vacations and travel to new destinations. I have been able to go to Disney world within an hour of the idea popping into my head. I have been able to change my look up with a short trip to the hairdresser instead of months of stressful planning.

Spontaneity has taken the stress out of dealing with time constraining activities. It allows you to make decisions on the spot, and follow through with them immediately. It eliminates the endless deliberating that eats away at your soul. It allows you to have unconditional fun in the moment. In every moment.

I love planning because it eliminates the consequences of things going wrong, but I have learned to love living my life spontaneously because not everything requires a heavy decision.

As long as one learns to live a life full of balance and happiness, they will live one of success.

xoxo,

 

DCP Bucket List

Hello my friends, it is finally July! Which means the greatest month of the year has finally arrived. No, I’m not biased because it’s my birthday month (okay, maybe a little), but July also means that I only have one month until I move back to Florida and start working for the mouse, and the excitement could not be more real!

As my check in date quickly approached, my mind has focused on one thing, and one thing only: Disney. In the midst of crafting gifts for my roommates, and binging DCP Vlogs on YouTube, I started coming up with things I want to experience and accomplish during my five months there. My situation’s a unique one, since I get to live in The City Beautiful all year round, so my bucket list isn’t quite like those I’ve come across thus far. Since obtaining my annual pass, I’ve been able to see and do some really cool things, so I want to specify things I have not yet tried.

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Without further ado, here’s my finalized bucket list of things to experience and waste money on during my Fall 2017 Disney College Program.

  1. Keep track of every park, ride, or show I experience to tally up at the end
  2. Visit all four parks in one day
  3. Get a FastPass+ for every ride once
  4. Wait in line for every ride once (commit or quit, baby)
  5. Enter and leave each park with a smile
  6. Pick up shifts at all six parks, as well as Disney Springs
  7. Have a picnic in the hub grass (hub grass n chill?)
  8. Eat my way through EPCOT’s Food and Wine festival
  9. Celebrate a Very Merry Unbirthday with all of my roommates
  10. Attended both the Halloween and Christmas parties as a guest, and an employee
  11. Do a photo-shoot in every park (it’s me, remember?)
  12. Face my fear of birds at Animal Kingdom
  13. Stay-cation!
  14. Take a tour
  15. Have as many characters as possible sign a canvas for my bedroom
  16. Disneyland (maybe, possibly, I don’t know)
  17. Get paid to watch Star Wars a Galactic Spectacular fireworks at least once
  18. Visit the Tupperware Museum
  19. VoluntEAR at Orlando Pride and Give Kids the World
  20. Take a class and network the heck out of my time there
  21. Step outside of my comfort zone
  22. Make as many magical moments as possible
  23. Sneak up on all my roommates at work
  24. VLOG my entire adventure! (which you can keep up with here)

I know, I know, it’s a pretty hefty list, but living ten minutes from the magic will allow me the exposure to many memorable experiences. Here’s to hoping I even complete half the items on the list while I am there! I guess we will check back in January to see the progress made to determine if I am the true Queen of Disney World.

Until next time,

xoxo,